Me Vs Food: Why Cows are Extinct


In 25 years, people will tell their children stories of a wonderful animal that used to roam the planet, mooing and bringing inner peace to all of India.* (*may or may not be accurate). Cows will be legend and fable, much like unicorns and dinosaurs… and I will be the reason.

On May 1st, I put several men to shame in a College Times eating contest and a personal tribute to Adam Richman. I went down to Lobby’s Beef Burgers & Dogs in Tempe, AZ to take on their 3lb. Burger Challenge– A massive tower of burger that needed to be taken down in less than 10 minutes!

Hungry?

I’ve done burger challenges in the past. I’m well known around Lindy’s on 4th in Tucson, AZ for conquering their OMFG burger, which is 3lbs of progressively less delicious eating experience. (once you hit the 8th patty, you don’t exactly crave the taste of hamburger meat.)

But their burger is different in 2 ways.

(1) It’s twelve 1/4 lb patties and 12 slices of cheese.
(The Lobby’s burger is nine 1/3 lb patties and 9 slices of cheese)
Difficulty advantage: Lindy’s.

(2) You have 20 minutes to finish in order to get a free burger.
(Lobby’s burger is 10 mins)
Difficulty advantage: Lobby’s — by a long shot.

I’ve eaten the Lindy’s OMFG burger 3 times. I finished it all 3 times, but only beat the time limit during my second and third attempts. Why the third attempt? Because I wanted to try it “Two Finger Peek-a-Boo” style.. which is to say…

Ok, NOW I'm just getting cocky.

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* Instead of buns, each “bun” is an entire grilled cheese sandwich.

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* Between each patty is not only a slice of cheese, but also an onion ring.

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* Also featured, grilled onions and mushrooms.

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So I guess you can say I’m not exactly a stranger to burger eating challenges. I pride myself on doing the seemingly impossible.  I learned my strategy after my first attempt, and it’s made my life a lot easier.

But for the Lobby’s challenge, I was nervous. 10 fucking minutes?! My record for Lindy’s was 17 and change. 10 didn’t even really seem possible. .. which is why I had to try it.

So here’s the scene. On May 1st, College Times had their challenge, and they wanted to make it exciting. Three of us sat behind a table with our burger towers before us.

"I vill CRUSH you" Challenge photos by College Times

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My competitors: two decent sized guys who looked like they could each take down a small goat.

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And then there’s me. The girl. The small girl at that. It’s no wonder they scoffed at the strategies I shared with them. Ok, so not literally. They politely listened.. but they did not heed.

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With our burgers before us, I suggested waiting a few extra minutes before starting the challenge. You see, these burgers are steaming. These gases will fill up your stomach and make you hate life. A 3 lb burger fills you up. You don’t have much more room for anything else. Also, these burgers are steaming! They’re hot. Tongue-damaging hot. Fuckin’ hot.

Have you ever eaten anything that burned your tongue? Now imagine shoveling that down bite after scalding bite as the roof of your mouth falls apart and your taste buds singe clean off. Now imagine three pounds worth of that. You see where I’m going with this.

So after my third warning, they say, “Ok, we’re ready to start, let’s just start.” I shrugged and said, “Alright, bring it on.”

We began.

Right about now, he's thinking "TOO HOT!"

I opened my patties up to let them cool off a bit. I took some bites. WOAH. Hot. Worse than I expected. To put this in perspective, for two days following, eating was excruciating. The roof of my mouth was destroyed. It felt like everything was made of knives and glass. But I digress.

The burger was retardedly hot, so I did what any normal, sane person would do. I reached in my soda cup, grabbed a handful of ice, and threw it on my field of burgers. .. And I kept eating.

I was on a mission. Don't judge me.

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I was taking on this challenge with pure, unadulterated focus. I had a clock to beat and a reputation to uphold. The burger was doomed from the start.

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A few minutes in, I decided to check out my fellow competitors. The towers before them did not bode well for their chances.

At this point, I had few enough patties that I re-stacked them burger style just for fun.

So what can pure determination and a pact with the devil get you in this day and age?

Besides a stomach ache?

Bragging rights and a permanent place on the wall of fame. … where my time beats all!

Me to cow, "I will eat your fucking family"

6 Minutes.

I’ll let that sink in.

I ate 3 lbs of burger.. in 6 minutes.

This, of course, left me 4 additional minutes of supporting my fellow competitors. … through torturous in-your-face, who’s-your-daddy style mockery.

Victory is sweet.

Yes, caption, victory IS sweet.

61 thoughts on “Me Vs Food: Why Cows are Extinct

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Me Vs Food: Why Cows are Extinct « The Life and Times of Cardboard Shell -- Topsy.com

  2. Totally fuckin’ cool!! Good thing there were pics or I would not have believed it!

  3. “In 25 years, people will tell their children stories of a wonderful animal that used to roam the planet, mooing and bringing inner peace to all of India.*” Accurate. I’m so jealous though – they’ve stopped served proper beef here cause of “spiritual attachments.” Now, if it says steak on the menu, it’s most likely buff. It’s just not the same :(

  4. Besides that I have to participate in the challlenge, I’d like to eat the burger!!!!!!!! One thing that I love most is melted cheese on patties :P Well done!

  5. As a burger fan, I am dually impressed. Truth be told, I have no confidence that I could clear through 3 lbs of burger at all, let alone in 10 minutes (let alone in 6!). I don’t know if you have been to New York, but there are many great burger places on the island. While they may not challenge the quantity of the serving you have there in AZ, they may give taste a run for its money. Well done.

  6. Keep eating meat at this rate and the planet will be extinct, not just the cows.

  7. Seriously, this is disgusting. What’s the point. You all look like bloody slobs.

  8. wowwww… DId you record the whole thing ? I so would like to see it. Strategy over energy. That’s why we, girls ROCK ! ;p

  9. Wow, that is fantastic! You finished ahead of time and got to mock the boys who looked like they could eat a goat but couldn’t finish the monster burger. You kicked some ass!

  10. Pingback: OMFG Burgerz | tidbitstoconsume

  11. Sounds intense. I don’t think I will ever understand why people love eating contests, such as this. However, well done! Good luck in your future burger contests.

  12. I went into cardiac arrest and had two strokes just reading this.

    Congrats on the win. I have to ask, after this event, when was the next time you ate?

  13. (Warning: May contain exaggeration.)

    I suspect that your initial statement is

    1. In error: As long as humans crave burgers (and barring the introduction of satisfactory replacement sources), the number of cows will remain considerable. After all, getting new cows is comparatively easy.

    2. In error in a very ironic manner: When other women read your entry and then see pictures of a thin you, there is a fair chance that your extinction is the next point on their agendas. (Unless, obviously, you manage to promote a “burger diet”—in which case you will be a hero.)

  14. @agoodnow

    There’s a Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest qualifier in Tempe on June 5. If I can convince myself that I can scarf down hotdogs without choking to death, I might just throw my hat in the ring.

    Damnit. Now I’m craving hotdogs.

  15. @Adiran Paulos

    This might be my favorite comment — along with the trackback from someone who mentioned my blog, incorrectly stating that I ate 12 lbs and ranting about how many vegetarians it would take to cancel me out.

    My friend Alana and I decided that I should attempt the legendary 12 lb burger the blogger spoke of, just so I could leave the video as a response to the post.

    Also decided was that whatever I don’t finish, I’ll hand feed to a baby cow that I’ve forced to sit beside me to witness the feat. And, in that sing-song tone of voice only reserved for animals and babies, I will tell it “This is a whole you! Yes it is! Ah moomoomoo!”

    YouTube legendary status, here I come.

  16. Wonderfully done! Looking at you, you wouldn’t think it possible, but it seems you’re the type to rise against all that. Well done (:

  17. @omawarisan

    I actually didn’t feel too bad after I ate this one. However, after my first attempt at the Lindy’s O.M.F.G burger, I waddled disgustedly to my car, drove home, fell into a cow-induced coma for 6 hours, woke up, threw up, and didn’t eat hamburger meat for over a month.

    … but I had to go back to beat the time limit. Because I’m prideful and arrogant and will not let dead, cheese-covered cows defeat me.

    Fortunately, halfway into my first attempt (once it was too late), someone told me the let-it-cool-off-and-avoid-the-gas-expansion theory, and ever since, it’s been a breeze.

  18. HEEEEYYY! whats up! that was ME getting my arse kicked by you . . . what an beatdown that was. Bret & I were no match. I would like a rematch though – my wife will kill me! Nice work . . . see you at Nathans. also, thanks Meg-Dawg for the heads up.

  19. Hey! Rematch is on, just tell me when and where haha! It’s a no-go on the Nathan’s, though. The registration is closed already. Such sadness. There’s always next year, I guess.

  20. I randomly found you trying to figure out what the hell I am going to call my blog. I just want you to know I am bowing to you right now, as I am laughing my ass off! Anytime a woman of gorgeous looks can kick a mans ass in any way it is a FANTASTIC day! I used to live in Phoenix and now live in Quanah,TX and I can not believe I found this! I love it! Thanks for making my day!

  21. @Elizabeth

    Thanks for the compliments! So now I’m quite curious, what did you want to name your blog, and how did it bring you here?

  22. Pingback: “Cardboard Shell” finishes 3 pound burger in 6 minutes | EatFeats

  23. Pingback: Phoenix New Times on Lobby’s burger challenge- | EatFeats

  24. I personally know Michelle, the woman, who has conquered this crazy challenge. And I have seen her do it more than once, all 90 pounds of her! It was the most amazing and disgusting thing I have ever seen, but I’m so glad the world knows far and wide of her burger eating abilities. True story, this was originally one of her guy friend’s missions to eat the Lindy’s burger. He bailed out after a long night of drinking, and Michelle stepped up for it. She has been demolishing ground beef ever since. My hats off to you Michelle, oh and I did I mention she also volunteers. Talk about a bad ass!

  25. Pingback: Victory is Sweet. « The Life and Times of Cardboard Shell

  26. I’m a total closet fat kid…that all looks artery-cloggingly delicious (is “cloggingly” a word?). That Wall of Fame doesn’t look too permanent, unless they used some non-dry erase board-friendly marker. Once again- good job!

  27. I just ate the OMFG burger at Lindy’s and it took me 28 minutes 30 seconds. I give you major props for eating it and I wish I would have read your secrets to not burning the shit out of my tongue/roof of my mouth. Its been 3 days and my mouth still hurts. But anyways your the champ and stay classy. Look for my pic on the wall at Lindys im doing a thizz face haha!

  28. Pingback: Possible candidates for fifth Nathan’s womens prizewinner | EatFeats

  29. Pingback: Gobbling Wieners… damn it. « The Life and Times of Cardboard Shell

  30. I had seen your pics on the wall and always wanted to know more about this tiny girl that obliterates burger challenges. Glad to finally find this write-up.

  31. Pingback: Me Vs Food: Why Cows are Extinct :: Lobby's

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